Vent I want a husband but I have internalised homophobia

[got.daim]

TL;DR
I hate myself and do not view myself as normal for having homosexual tendencies

I have a deep desire to connect with a man but I am afraid for some reason, I am disgusted by the idea of it, even though I want it so badly, idk what to do, I'm so tired, I like the idea but I'm too nervous to talk to anyone and actually make it happen, I do not usually do that, I usually just go out and get that stuff done, I want a partner so badly but I'm too nervous and I always embarrass myself and I'm scared, I either want a tall woman with pale skin and dark to light hair who is also awkward but skinny aswell, lengthy, or a male who is also skinny and has dark curly hair with pale skin, aslong as they're above 5ft8 that is good, I do not like being around short people, it makes me sad, I always think about what men have to go through and it makes me sick, I also do not like short women since they tend to have everything handed to them and have never experience ridicule from society, when I was in school I was very tall broad and awkward, yet the short girls always tried to flirt or pick on me, I never liked them flirting with me, I think I also have some trauma surrounding women [SENTENCE REMOVED BY MOD] I still have faint memories of the experience but I try not to think about it, I am disgusted by myself and I am disgusted at what I have just wrote

no matter the amount of showers I take I will forever and always be dirty

 

[gatogato is verified member.]

i think internalized homophobia is normal, snd something you can work towards improving. im married but still queer. it was something i struggled with long before my husband ever entered my life, and traces of the mentality unfortunately show in my life.

as well as having preferences, such as not really being attracted to short folk.

trauma is ever impacting, and takes a long time to undo. if a lot of how u view urself and the world is filtered thru this lens, it's understandable why u feel this way. talk therapy helps, emdr has changed my life personally.

 

[got.daim]

i think internalized homophobia is normal, snd something you can work towards improving. im married but still queer. it was something i struggled with long before my husband ever entered my life, and traces of the mentality unfortunately show in my life.

I think my homosexual tendencies are a byproduct of the bad experiences from women that I have had throughout my life, I have this yearning for emotional intimacy and stability within that intimacy but I am afraid of having relationships with women because I feel like it would be displacing the emotion, since whenever I tried to place my emotion into women they always seemed to take advantage of it

as well as having preferences, such as not really being attracted to short folk.

i feel like my distress around short people is also from bad experience, I do not like short women, I am disgusted by the ones who do the fake tans and dye their hairs, I have too many poor experiences with them, very icky 'people'

trauma is ever impacting, and takes a long time to undo. if a lot of how u view urself and the world is filtered thru this lens, it's understandable why u feel this way. talk therapy helps, emdr has changed my life personally.

i do not want to be a homosexual, I am not attracted to the male figure, I am attracted to the idea of being cared for and having someone to care for

 

[gatogato is verified member.]

i do not want to be a homosexual, I am not attracted to the male figure, I am attracted to the idea of being cared for and having someone to care for

i think most of your post can be summarized with this sentence, you're a lot more self aware then i think you realize. plus these comments:

i feel like my distress around short people is also from bad experience

are a byproduct of the bad experiences from women

whenever I tried to place my emotion into women they always seemed to take advantage of it

do you think being aware that these interactions helps reflect on how to tackle these problems, or not really?
you would need something to challenge ur overall world view, i imagine.
id hate to be like 'find women to talk to', becuz i dont believe every woman suddenly has innocent intentions and i dont believe it's that easy. unfortunately i have very little advice in this area

 

[got.daim]

do you think being aware that these interactions helps reflect on how to tackle these problems, or not really?

Why would I need to tackle them? I have these barriers set up to prevent myself from being hurt again

that does not make sense, your brain prevents you from doing things such as touching a hot stove because it hurts, if you do it a couple of times, you know not to do it because it will result in a negative pain, but that pain was worth it because it got you that information

dont believe every woman suddenly has innocent intentions

i wish there was a way to filter out innocent women like this, but I do not see a way, and I have seen that most people have ill intentions, and even if they do not, they are not fully conscious of what they're doing so they mis-purposely hurt others