I want a husband but I have internalised homophobia

gato said
i think internalized homophobia is normal, snd something you can work towards improving. im married but still queer. it was something i struggled with long before my husband ever entered my life, and traces of the mentality unfortunately show in my life.

I think my homosexual tendencies are a byproduct of the bad experiences from women that I have had throughout my life, I have this yearning for emotional intimacy and stability within that intimacy but I am afraid of having relationships with women because I feel like it would be displacing the emotion, since whenever I tried to place my emotion into women they always seemed to take advantage of it

gato said
as well as having preferences, such as not really being attracted to short folk.

i feel like my distress around short people is also from bad experience, I do not like short women, I am disgusted by the ones who do the fake tans and dye their hairs, I have too many poor experiences with them, very icky 'people'

gato said
trauma is ever impacting, and takes a long time to undo. if a lot of how u view urself and the world is filtered thru this lens, it's understandable why u feel this way. talk therapy helps, emdr has changed my life personally.

i do not want to be a homosexual, I am not attracted to the male figure, I am attracted to the idea of being cared for and having someone to care for